If only I knew

I used to be a tomboy

An introvert

Someone who had few friends, when i was really young

You can say I had a lonely childhood

Back then all I wanted was to be pretty and popular.

I thought that would make me happy.

And then I grew older

Started growing out my hair, looking into fashion,

Had my first boyfriend, my first flings.

Guys started to find me cute.

But then I wanted something different, I wanted success.

I wanted the material things, I wanted to smart, good at sales, a leader.

I wanted to drive a luxury car, live in a beautiful condo, with J.

And I look at now, and some things I wished for came true,

Some didn’t.

I’m now the kind of girl I used to envy,

the kind of girl whom guys would like without even getting to know me… Just based on very superficial things

the kind of girl whom girls probably are jealous of.

im not trying to boast when I post this.

im just saying that it’s taken me so long to realize that…

What makes a person, what makes me happy

Is not the material things

Its not what you look on the outside

We’re taught to believe that if we look a certain way, act a certain way, and have certain things, we’ll be in control of our lives. That things will go our way.

But that’s just an illusion really.

Until now, I face the same uncertainties with my relationships.

I still face insecurities all the time.

Sometimes I feel like I can take on the world, sometimes I have no idea where I’m headed really.

And when you think that you have everything under control, life just gives you another challenge.

I guess that’s life.

All we can do, is just to trust our intuition, take a leap of faith, and pray for the best.

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My love for writing

Since young, I’ve loved to write.

I’ve written short stories, mostly, sometimes diary posts.

When I grow older, many hobbies fade, but my love for penning my thoughts doesn’t.

I think everyone has certain thoughts that they want to express, but can’t express openly.

Like how you still love that crush in high school. Like your desire to succeed. Like your innermost fears. Your darker side. Your emotional turbelences.

I honestly think that people only say 10% of the things that they are thinking about. Adults, I mean.

To me, writing is like avenue where you can say exactly how you feel without being judged, without caring about anyone but what you think.

It’s having the freedom, to say exactly what you think and feel.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about writing a book. But I’m not sure what exactly I should write about.

I’ve two ideas, fiction and non-fiction.

One is a young adult fiction story, the other, I’m not too sure yet.

stay tuned.

Karma can be such a bitch

Do u believe in karma?
The law of cause and effect.

It’s true.
Whatever you do always comes back to you. It’s just a matter of time…

I’ve tried so hard in this relationship. Because of my mistakes in the past.
But in the end, I still got so badly hurt.

Is it really possible to start anew?
Can I put my trust and faith again.
Or should I start afresh and start over?

For once, I don’t have a clear answer.