Vunerable

I’m vulnerable when I care.

I care about your wake up morning texts.

I care how your day has been.

I care where you are.

I care what I mean to you.

Your morning texts force me to open up my eyes in the morning to read it even if I want to sleep.

Unknowingly, I think you start to mean something to me.

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That type of girl

And I’m the type of girl who if you loved me, I would love you more. If you really hurt me, I wouldn’t hurt you back but I could never love you the same. You’d know when I stop loving – when I get more polite, when I stop expecting, when I no longer ask where you’ve been, when I kill off all hope, when I avoid you. But I’d still care, I’d think of us months after you’re long  gone, but you wouldn’t know, because my pride would never allow me to tell you. I’m the type of girl that doesn’t expect anything from people, so I get grateful when you are nice to me without reason. But I won’t tell you I am, I’ll show you with actions, I’ll be there when you need me, I’ll do the little things like as if they are just ‘on the way’ or ‘because I should’. I’ll do as much as I possibly can without crossing the line of more than friends.

In any case, I’m really glad that I met you.

If your life were to flash you by like a movie, would you be happy with what you saw?

Today I saw a corporate video our HQ made. It was a beautiful video that marked major points and progress in our company, as well as corresponding important events worldwide. From 1940 onwards, stretching all the way till now. I don’t know why when I was looking at that video, I started to think, if my own life and achievements and turning points were played out like that video, would I be proud of what I saw? I thought back to the moments that I felt were my greatest achievements, my happiest  times, my biggest mistakes, my worst heartbreaks. I’m thankful for those happy  moments. These memories, they become a part of me, even when the people that exist in them, our relationship and us have changed. But I don’t know why I still remember all these things as clearly. They may have been six to seven years past, some less, but I remember them as clear as if it was just yesterday. Maybe these memories, I remember them not by my brain but by my heart. Because the heart never forgets. And similarly, the wounds that were inflicted, that hurt… I remember them by my heart as well. I wish I didn’t. I want to create a story of my life I would look back and smile at.

One year later

It’s been really long since I’ve wrote an entry on WordPress.

I read my entries today, those from March 2014 and before.

So much has changed once again.

The thing is, I go through the motions, day by day, things happen. I stumble, fall, make mistakes, learn and pick myself up. I think  nothing’s changed, but when I look back, it’s been one year only, and yet so much has changed again.

Some people that I trusted initially, they turned out to be people I never would trust again.

Some people that I didn’t feel good about from the start, they turned out to be exactly like I thought.

And along the way, from start of this year, I met with good people, people who really cared, when I least expected it.

My wordpress has mostly happy posts. For some reason, when I was down, I didn’t post here. But I was broken, really broken last year.

I’m still a little broken, very much insecure, and still moving on. But I’m healing.

May this year be a better year for everyone.