When you only have good memories with that someone, the good thing is that they can always be perfect to you

I met you more than 3 years ago. I was far too young, immature and broken. If there was one good thing about that place, it was you. I liked you from the start. You were confident, kind, smart, funny, and even cute. You were my ideal.

I’ve known you for a very short time only. In that period, I only had good memories. You helping me at work. Driving me home when you could. Going out for lunches together. You having such a mesmerizing voice.

I’ve only ever known the good in you.

I reminiscence this time, because I recently realised something.

The more closely you know someone; the more you see their flaws. And sometimes it disappoints me.

But because I’ve only known you for that while, and because in my memories you are perfect, to me, you will always be perfect.

It may not be a bad thing for me to remember you by that.

Thank you, J.

For that memory.

Vunerable

I’m vulnerable when I care.

I care about your wake up morning texts.

I care how your day has been.

I care where you are.

I care what I mean to you.

Your morning texts force me to open up my eyes in the morning to read it even if I want to sleep.

Unknowingly, I think you start to mean something to me.

That type of girl

And I’m the type of girl who if you loved me, I would love you more. If you really hurt me, I wouldn’t hurt you back but I could never love you the same. You’d know when I stop loving – when I get more polite, when I stop expecting, when I no longer ask where you’ve been, when I kill off all hope, when I avoid you. But I’d still care, I’d think of us months after you’re long  gone, but you wouldn’t know, because my pride would never allow me to tell you. I’m the type of girl that doesn’t expect anything from people, so I get grateful when you are nice to me without reason. But I won’t tell you I am, I’ll show you with actions, I’ll be there when you need me, I’ll do the little things like as if they are just ‘on the way’ or ‘because I should’. I’ll do as much as I possibly can without crossing the line of more than friends.

In any case, I’m really glad that I met you.

If your life were to flash you by like a movie, would you be happy with what you saw?

Today I saw a corporate video our HQ made. It was a beautiful video that marked major points and progress in our company, as well as corresponding important events worldwide. From 1940 onwards, stretching all the way till now. I don’t know why when I was looking at that video, I started to think, if my own life and achievements and turning points were played out like that video, would I be proud of what I saw? I thought back to the moments that I felt were my greatest achievements, my happiest  times, my biggest mistakes, my worst heartbreaks. I’m thankful for those happy  moments. These memories, they become a part of me, even when the people that exist in them, our relationship and us have changed. But I don’t know why I still remember all these things as clearly. They may have been six to seven years past, some less, but I remember them as clear as if it was just yesterday. Maybe these memories, I remember them not by my brain but by my heart. Because the heart never forgets. And similarly, the wounds that were inflicted, that hurt… I remember them by my heart as well. I wish I didn’t. I want to create a story of my life I would look back and smile at.

One year later

It’s been really long since I’ve wrote an entry on WordPress.

I read my entries today, those from March 2014 and before.

So much has changed once again.

The thing is, I go through the motions, day by day, things happen. I stumble, fall, make mistakes, learn and pick myself up. I think  nothing’s changed, but when I look back, it’s been one year only, and yet so much has changed again.

Some people that I trusted initially, they turned out to be people I never would trust again.

Some people that I didn’t feel good about from the start, they turned out to be exactly like I thought.

And along the way, from start of this year, I met with good people, people who really cared, when I least expected it.

My wordpress has mostly happy posts. For some reason, when I was down, I didn’t post here. But I was broken, really broken last year.

I’m still a little broken, very much insecure, and still moving on. But I’m healing.

May this year be a better year for everyone.

The things I’d never know

Is whether you love me.

Is whether I should be with you.

Is if you’d break my heart.

Is if you are my soulmate.

Life is so full of uncertainty…

We can never predict, if what we put in is worthwhile. If the choices we make are right. There’s so much doubt sometimes.

Sometimes I ask myself why I am so scared and so indecisive. I guess it may be because deep down I felt I may have made – wrong choices-.

But honestly how could we ever know? At that point in time, it just seemed right didn’t it.

We get fooled by life’s temptations and promises.

And here I am wishing, against everything, that I would know the right thing to do.

I don’t want you to be just another passerby

As we grow older, we start to realize that people come and go in our lives.

Close friends can become distant.

Friends can become lovers. 

Lovers can become ex-es.

Some people can be part of your life everyday, and the next, become just a passerby. 

But I realized, I don’t want you to be a passerby.

I wanted to know you, to understand you, to be there for you, to be part of your life.

because you charm me on so many levels, physically, mentally & emotionally.

and I don’t fully understand you yet somehow I feel this chemistry, this longing. And I want to know you better.

And trust me, I don’t really care to know people well nowadays.

I wanted to know how’s your day, whether you’re with someone, whether you got to work on time, whether you’re progressing well in your career, whether you’re happy.

I wanted to hear your laughter, and the endless nonsensical talk and chattering.

I loved how you were so driven, so strong outside, yet I loved how you were faithful and emotional at the right times.

i really want to be with you.

You were the first thing on my mind

When I’m with you yesterday

I felt that kind of happiness, I haven’t known in a long long while. 

It was a real kind of happiness. 

For that two hours, for a very long time. 

I completely forgot every single problem, stress or worry I had. 

That’s the kind of magic you have on me. 

And its this feeling, that makes me long for you.

i know that I’m infatuated. From the way you laugh, to the way you speak, to the way you act, the way you dress, the way you look.

to me you are perfect.

But most of all, what’s perfect for me is how I feel whenever I’m around you. 

nervous, yet completely giddy with happiness at the same time. 

If I could be selfish for once

One to three. Just two hours – and it felt like a dream. 

Had rosti, he had wrap. It was amazing really how we could take 35 minutes to walk to the parking lot. Yet it seemed like 10. 

He took the long way back. And for once, I didn’t tell him a shorter way.

 

time is just never quite enough.

Medz

I’m sitting downstairs as I’m typing this, that light, floating feeling still in my heart.

The same way I’ve always felt when I met him.

I actually like him.

Really, really like him. 

It’s not the same with E. Or anyone else for that matter. It just took one lunch at medz, one drive home for me to realize that.

the way I feel so comfortable, so happy easily when I’m with him. I should have realized. 

Him asking me if I wanted the same card holder. Us listening to songs together.